I don’t have kids, can I comment on how people parent? yes/no?
The question arose when I was telling my brother about an article I had read on Facebook about a man in line at a Burger King who had purchased all the pies they had to spite the inappropriately acting child in line behind him who was screaming “I want fucking pie.” I was taking the side of the man and explaining how terrible the mother of the child was for allowing such behavior. My brothers girl friend was quite upset at my stance and proclaimed that I had no right or warrant to remark on a persons parenting until I had kids of my own. I know this is a very popular viewpoint of many people, and have read several articles about how annoying it is to have people who don’t have kids to advise parents on the best way to raise their own. I get that her argument has some validity. But I also felt that I did too. The more I attempted to explain the more she simply shut me down saying to come back to her when I had my own kids, exclaiming that raising kids is hard, and it is impossible to know until you have done it. Again she has a point, but why do I still feel right about this, I know I am not wrong in judging this horrible mother in article.
The next day I told to my boss about the article and my conversation with my brother and his girlfriend. My boss has kids and yet thinks very similar to me in the matter of whom to blame when kids act out in public. She helped me to form my reasoning and be able to articulate me point in a way that is equality if not more just than my brothers girlfriend’s.
The fact of the matter is, we are all members of society, and as such we are subject to the standards and norms of that society, I have talked about this many times. Again the consequences of disobeying some norms can be as extreme as judicial punishment, and as tame as being shunned or arouse spite by others in the same society. If someone breaks the law they get a judicial punishment, but if someone farts in public, they might get a different kind of social punishment, like dirty looks, snickering , stares, and what not. The point is, we are all expected to act “decent” in public. It is part of our Social Contract to be “Decent People.”
In a large society it is theorized that simply being an active member you have agreed to the terms of the social contract and will abide by its social norms. We see small examples of this everyday. Some teachers create them in their classrooms to hold children accountable for their actions. Here are some examples:
A parent is responsible for not only the behavior of their own actions, but of the actions and consequences of their children. It is a universal social truth that the parent is responsible for teaching the child the social norms and standards of public decency. That is to say, an adult standing in line at a fast food restaurant would be violating the social decency norm by shouting repeatedly “I WANT FUCKING PIE.” We might forgive a child for such actions because they wouldn’t know better (depending on their age) but the parent most certainly does, and by not correcting the behavior the parent is inherently condoning it. Thus, I may not have the right to tell you “how” to instill the proper understanding of social norms and “how” to act like a decent person, but I sure as hell can point out, and judge someone for making no effort to attempt it. By the mother not acting and allowing the child to continue his actions, the mother is being an indecent person, allowing the child to be an indecent person, perpetuating indecency, and should be subject to the same social punishment as if she was the one perpetrating the act.
Being a parent is hard, unimaginably so. I don’t need kids to know that. But I also don’t need kids to know that it can be done while being a decent person, and teaching your children to be decent people. It can be done without letting your child scream obscenities in public leaving a wake of disruption everywhere you go. I have seen it done. If your only excuse for being an indecent person, or by extension and indecent parent is that it is hard to be decent, or to keep your kids decent, then you are not ready to be a parent. Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean you get to do half the job, and by not taking action to teach and/or correct decent public behavior is not excused by the difficulty of parenting. Nor is arguing that my observation has no warrant simply because I chose not to undergo that responsibility. I may not have the right to tell you what techniques to use, but both the child and the parent are a part of the society I live in and as such they are not exempt from the rules.
This is similar to the incident I talked about a few weeks back when my girlfriend and I where out at a restaurant and the child at the table next to us just started throwing a playground ball, inside, up in the air, until it came crashing down on our feet and lodging itself under our table. Again, children are not instinctively aware of social norms, they are not born with a grasp of concepts like public decency. They must be taught, the parents are the responsible parties. I understand that ignoring bad behavior and praising good behavior is a new and proven form of positive reinforcement that works, however, there are two things wrong,1) ignoring bad behavior is all well in good in the setting of your own home, but subjecting other people who did not ask for the company of your children to their bad behavior is again thrusting indecency upon them, and as an active member of society, once your kids are no longer in the privacy of the home, they as well as the parent are expected to act as decent human beings. 2) The positive reinforcement technique is not all-encompassing. A parent’s complete lack of care or inaction in guiding or setting an example is not part of the parenting technique, and hiding behind it is disgraceful and socially destructive, furthermore, you aren’t fooling anyone.
Again the political correctness fad has robbed our country of the ability to shame and punish people violating the social contract. We need these norms to have a peaceful and cohesive existence in a society with such diversity. As a result, we can see the effects such as, lower expectations in education, lack of self agency, unjustified self-entitlement, no personal accountability, and an uninformed public on every issue from government policy, to basic issues of logic. Being aware is the first step to change.
The Man In The Hat 